Despite having a good day, I suddenly started to feel bad. As hard as I tried to inspect it, I couldn’t find the source. Maybe it was something that I ate – dunno.
This led to a rather important lesson: sometimes you feel bad for no reason whatsoever. I’ve come to think of it as perfectly natural
I noticed that the feeling started to generate an imaginary dialog in my mind between myself and my old friend. It’s a discussion that I’ve gone through tens of times and sometimes I still forget myself in it.
Those discussions have previously had a “snowball effect” to the direction of negativity. Thankfully my conditioning is a lot different nowadays so that doesn’t happen anymore.
Those discussions are pretty deeply seated pattern in me, but now that I think about it, the content on my part has changed a lot. Years ago it was focused on talking about how shitty my life was, but nowadays I’m just telling how much I’m enjoying myself.
Why the ‘bad feeling’ wasn’t so bad after all
Even though I described the sudden feeling as ‘bad’, it wasn’t exactly accurate.
The feeling was slightly negative, but I found it very empowering. That particular feeling makes me care less about the thoughts of other people and acting with integrity through that feeling is very straightforward.
In other words, it enables my state to be bolder than usual and I actually started to enjoyed it to a degree.
Also, when I stayed with it for a while, I realized a sort of calmness underneath it. Very hard to explain.